Oh, Wolfie
Hulk... smash, but with fur, maybe
Just fuck the wolf!
Hey, y’all. You can listen to me read this entry, but I have never edited audio before that wasn’t a voice memo on my phone. You can probably hear my laptop’s fan and I’m probably popping P’s and huffing out H’s so don’t judge me too harshly. This is me recording at 10 o’clock at night. I’m trying things out.
I get it. Vampires are sexy. They’re immortal, usually wealthy. They can mesmerize you and their blood is healing and intoxicating. Writers can do a lot with their lore, and, as far as I know, almost every culture has some kind of vampiric creature, whether they feed on blood, energy, or souls. Their nocturnal nature makes them perfect for horror, erotica, and romance. I, myself, am not immune to the appeal of the hot vampire, but I have to be honest… werewolves are where it’s at.
Someone recently tweeted, “werewolves lost the media war against vampires bad like we need to put our heads together and figure out a plan for werewolf media!” I fully agree. Not too long ago, I posted something similar:
Onscreen, for a vampire, all you need is some contacts, heavy powder, good fangs, and corn syrup dyed red. (Unless you want to get all Nosferatu with it. Then maybe you’ll need a little more). But for a werewolf, it can get pretty expensive… the special effects, the prosthetics, the time delay as you shoot each stage of the transformation. And depending on the lore you’re using, the transformation can be lengthy and very unsexy. They start to get twitchy, then bend over like they might be about to have the worst case of explosive diarrhea ever. The gloopy, bone-cracking sounds are disturbing. Watching someone writhe and howl for a minute as their bones mutate is a long ass time. Remember how Ola Ray stood there screaming as Michael Jackson transformed in the video for “Thriller?” Girl, if you don’t run some damn where!
In the modern world, if someone started shifting in public, they’d probably get shot.
…which can be another deterrent to on screen adaptations. It’s fiction (... or is it?) so weres can live anywhere, but they need space and freedom to run and act out those animal instincts that polite society won’t allow. And that ain’t Central Park or Runyon Canyon. Plus if you need a large swath of real estate for pack members to come and go, where is that going to be in New York City? In Chicago? You need some woods. Werewolves love the woods. So location can be an issue. It doesn’t have to be, if you make the story right, but Hollywood is lazy.
It’s time to bring back the werewolf and make them as sexy as they are in paranormal romance.
Now, I could say the community and “found family” aspects of werewolves is what gets me going, but I’d be lying. It’s their primal nature. Vampires are too cool for me, figuratively and literally. I need warmth. I need someone who can lie in the bed with me at night and is not corpse-like. I need the sun. My vitamin D levels are disastrously low right now. Plus I much prefer werewolves’ connection to nature and the environment than a vampire’s connection to blood. And I need a man who can eat food. I need you to grunt over the plate I fix like you grunt over me.
Plus… Werewolves have such a leash on their control and I want to make their animal come out.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided to listen to the above erotic audio on the Quinn app. It’s called “A Very Good Boy” by voice actor That Grey Gentleman.
I’ve written about the app before. Despite my love for werewolves, I’m not into Omegaverse/ABO/knotting fic so I ignored this particular audio It appears to be a series, and right now there are only 2 parts, I believe. “A Very Good Boy” is the first entry and features a Scottish (?) subby werewolf whose Madam has come back from the hunt and needs a particular kind of stress relief. I was painting some abstract landscapes as I listened, smiling at the character’s eager himbo energy. Then he started tending to Madam’s needs and his breathing changed. That Grey Gentleman started layering in these deep huffing sounds. I put my paintbrush down. The scenario escalated and the servant started shifting. As things got intense, he would shift in and out of animal form with growling sound effects and loss of language. Instead of “Hulk… smash,” it was like “mine… come…”
But when Madam gave the safe word, he was immediately human again. Immediately. Instant attention to her needs. He put her hand on his chest and started tapping out a breathing rhythm for her to follow to bring her back down. And when Madam was ready to go again, he did what she needed, shifting again, and I quietly added that audio to my favorites.
Despite my love for paranormal romance and urban fantasy, I had not really considered myself a monster fucker… until that damn audio. I’m still not sure I am, to be honest, because I need a humanoid body, and too often, monster romances are barely disguised metaphors for fucking Black men. I just don’t have time or the desire to weed through all of that.
But the audio “A Very Good Boy” highlights why I love werewolves. This might get too therapy-deep, but it all speaks to my clearly fantastical idealized romantic partner– Someone who can read the minute changes in me and know what I need. Someone who always knows where I am in a crowd. Someone protective and faithful. Someone who lets me see him at his most vulnerable. Someone so overwhelmed both by his need to please me and the pleasure I bring him that he loses control until we are both a panting pile of need need need need.
Some of my favorite werewolf book series are Riley Jenson Guardian and the Otherworld. Otherworld inspired the Bitten tv series, currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
It’s Black History Month. Listen to my new podcast with iHeart called The Godmother. It’s about Eunice Hunton Carter, one of New York state’s first Black female prosecutors who was key in taking down Lucky Luciano, who’s considered the godfather of modern mafia. Thank you to everyone at iHeart and Novel Podcasts.
Here’s my bookshop. Buy yourself something pretty.
Give Me One Reason by Tracy Chapman
A Love International by Khruangbin
Stony Gate by Fergus McCreadie
It’s Black History Month. I need a job- hosting or writing podcasts. Or hire me to tell you what romance novels to adapt. Or to read your audiobook. Or to make a dirty talk workshop. Or to doctor your scripts with romance. idk. They are trying to kill us out here.
My health is better. Thank you to everyone who sent kind thoughts my way.
I’m still trying to get this romance novel to look like something I can send to my agent. I also have another project I had to put on hold because my mental & physical health would not let me be great. Here’s hoping I can get back on my feet and have it out in the world soon.
Okay. Maybe the next newsletter will be belated Hozier content.
P: paypal.me/NicholePerkins
V: https://venmo.com/u/nicholeTN
C: https://cash.app/$womanTN
I disabled comments because I feel bad when I can’t reply to everyone or give everybody specialized responses, but I appreciate all of you. And feel free to get at me on social media to let me know how you feel about me reading this entry.
*mwuah* no claws