i be strokin'
Don't ignore the stress headache
Howdy! We meet again.
I wish I could figure out how to update more regularly, but my life is boring and I don’t know what I could talk about on a weekly basis right now. I did weekly drops for years via podcasts, and now I’m like… no one cares.
Anyway, last year was not great. Had me looking for rainbows. I was drowning. I had a nice little menty-b, as the kids say. Nothing like checking myself in somewhere or going back into therapy. I am a broke freelancer with no health insurance. I am also Black and southern so I just powered through and suffered and tried not to ask for help until everything was dire. Possible eviction loomed and so many people rallied around me. I’ll never be able to thank everyone who helped me enough.
And then I went home for Thanksgiving. I was rushing to the airport and arrived at my gate with 5 minutes to spare… and the staff would not let me board. They had closed the door and told me I could either go on standby for the next flight or pay to book another flight. I went on standby and watched my plane sit at the gate for another 15-20 minutes, departing late, despite them closing the doors early. I was livid. It gave me a stress headache.
By the time I got home, the stress headache was worse. I felt terrible. My mother said, “You’ve got fluid on you.” My hands and face were puffy. My heart felt like the kick drum in “Seven Nation Army.” Mama, a former nurse, took my blood pressure. It was 160/100. The top number should be less than 120 and the bottom number should be less than 80.
My stress headache wasn’t just stress. It was a hypertensive crisis.
I’ve been monitoring my blood pressure since Thanksgiving. It has yet to go down to normal. I recently went to urgent care because I had that same kind of headache for 4 consecutive days. They wanted me to go to the ER. I was on the verge of a stroke.
They asked me if I’d been under any stress lately. I am a single* Black woman freelance culture writer and non-celebrity podcaster. Yes.
*Single as in unattached with no partner who can say “we can afford for you not to work for 3 months. I got us.” It’s just me.
I did not go to the ER. I cannot afford it, financially or physically. I had Covid in December. Again. My immune system is compromised because of previous health issues. I don’t want to take the chance of going into a hospital and not coming out because a bunch of assholes don’t want to wear masks or try to pull my mask down and cough in my face. Also, I didn’t have anyone to look after my cat.
They gave me a prescription for high blood pressure that has been helping, but the side effects are hitting me hard. Feels like I can’t win for losing.
But I’m still here.
In addition to the medicine, they told me to change my diet and exercise more. The usual. When I asked if perimenopause could also be a factor in my high blood pressure, they shrugged me off and said “probably not.” The usual.
So that’s my little update. The world is trying to kill me, but I refuse to go out like that.
Hopefully, my next newsletter will be full of sunshine and actual pop culture stuff, but I guess I wanted to tell you what’s been going on with me.
RUN IT UP, HOTTIES:
I finally interviewed Hozier, for Harper’s Bazaar. It was over Zoom but this year’s vision board includes meeting him in person. Maybe next newsletter I’ll post some clips that didn’t make the final draft. I love him.
I’m the host and writer for a new podcast with iHeart called The Godmother. It’s about Eunice Hunton Carter, one of New York state’s first Black female prosecutors who was key in taking down Lucky Luciano, who’s considered the godfather of modern mafia. Thank you to everyone at iHeart and Novel Podcasts.
I have an essay in HBCU Made: A Celebration of the Black College Experience, edited by Ayesha Rascoe, host of NPR's Weekend Edition Sunday and weekend episodes of Up First.
I’m leading a Common Grounds pilgrimage in Edinburgh, Scotland in May. I’ll cover A Duke by Default by Alyssa Cole. It’s currently sold out but you can join the waitlist. The theme is grace: how can we navigate past mistakes and future growth? How can we be kind to ourselves in a world that wants us to hate ourselves if we are not perfect?
I was recently a part of Leave It to Leonor’s roundtable on Calvin Klein ads. Issue #376. Subscribe if you haven’t already. It’s one of my favorite newsletters.
Hiss by Megan Thee Stallion
Never Lose Me by Flo Milli
Until We Meet Again by Sy Smith– this whole album is chef’s kiss
Can’t You Get You Out of My Head by Naudio– a Kylie Minogue cover by one of my favorite erotic audio creators
Watch Your Mouth by The Backseat Lovers– I just found out about this group. They remind me of the early 00s. Imagine if Grizzly Bear and Kings of Leon had a child they abandoned in the wilds of Utah. And then that abandoned child found a discman with someone’s old mix cd loaded with “Hey” by The Pixies, some Jeff Buckley, and a splash of Fiona Apple.
BOOKS
I’m not doing individual links but you can find most of these at my bookshop:
Never Whistle at Night: An Indigenous Dark Fiction Anthology, edited by Shane Hawk and Theodore C. Van Alst Jr.
Brutalities by Margo Steines
Quietly Hostile by Samantha Irby
Let Us Descend by Jesmyn Ward
The Survivalists by Kashana Cauley
Lush Lives by J. Vanessa Lyon
Invisible: The Forgotten Story of the Black Woman Lawyer Who Took Down America's Most Powerful Mobster by Stephen L. Carter
Sex Workers, Psychics, and Numbers Runners: Black Women in New York Cirty’s Underground Economy by LaShawn Harris
Madam: The Biography of Polly Adler, Icon of the Jazz Age by Debby Applegate
The Grim Reaper’s Lawyer by Mea Monique (indie and maybe only available via Amazon??)
The Art of Scandal by Regina Black
The Wolf and the Wildflower by Stacy Reid
Knock Out by Sarah MacLean
Kiss and Spell by Celestine Martin
Hot for Teacher by Monique Fisher
Technically Yours by Denise Williams
Okay. I’m tired. Thanks for rocking with me. I’m still writing my first romance novel but the characters for the second one are getting noisier inside my head. As always, I’m open to more podcast work (hosting preferred but writing, too). I’d really like to figure out how I can focus on my own work this year, but you know… I need to survive, too.
P: paypal.me/NicholePerkins
V: https://venmo.com/u/nicholeTN
C: https://cash.app/$womanTN
Oh! Shit got so bad that I wrote a poem for the first time in almost 5 years. I think it’s good. More soon…