From Russia, With...
You can know a thing and still be surprised by it
This will be a dating post– a look into my dating life. I recently saw someone on Threads advise that newsletters should not be blogs, so now I’m self-conscious. Feel free to ignore it if it's not your thing.
In 2014, when I still lived at home in Nashville, I met a Russian man on okCupid. I eventually grew to love him, but he did not return the sentiment. In 2017, I moved to New York, and I have attracted a lot of eastern European men since then. A lot of them. To the point that my friends have asked me “girl, what is going on?” I’ve actually become concerned. What is my energy saying about me?
I don’t really know much about any stereotypes of Eastern European women, but I know plenty about the stereotypes of Black women.
At first, I thought maybe it’s location. New York, melting pot, and all that. There’s probably someone from almost every country in the world here, increasing my chances of meeting men from all over. Plus I live fairly close to Brighton Beach and Coney Island which have large eastern European populations. So every time I install and re-install a dating app, my inbox fills with men from Russia, Ukraine, Georgia, Belarus, and even Macedonia, if that counts. (Does Poland count? Because the Polish men also try to wild out in the chats before I unmatch).
The other night, I went out with a Russian guy with fascinating walnut brown eyes that delight and frighten me. Our conversation was rich and full, like a cup of homemade hot chocolate, so I asked him, “why do so many of your brethren try to get with me?” He nodded his head knowingly and said the Black women he’d had previous long term relationships with had asked him something similar. After he flattered me with compliments about my obvious beauty, he told me the answers I had feared: exoticism, racism, misogynoir. (He actually said the word “misogynoir” and smiled proudly when I acted impressed).
As one can imagine, they don’t get to see many Black American women in their daily lives before immigrating. Is it true whadt they say…? I never hadt a bleck girl befuhr… But the thing that made me really sad was the idea that you don’t need to do much to impress a Black woman. “They are so mistreated by their own men that you can buy them McDonald’s and they will fall in love with you.”
It’s hard to travel through life as a Black woman and not know that you are at the bottom of everyone’s list, in one way or another. It eventually becomes almost academic– a knowledge you’ve gained and absorbed and see the world through but no one else outside of your cohort seems to care. Yet it was especially jarring to hear out loud, in the pseudo-dive bar of my rapidly gentrifying neighborhood, that other cultures have a whisper network that gathers information on how to exploit Black women.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Black people have been watched and studied for other people’s benefit for a very long time. Or maybe it’s good I can still be surprised by the way racism continues to show up in my life. Underneath the shock and sadness, there was also shame.
Even their own men mistreat them…
It does something to you to be reminded that no one in the world wants to love you.
Speaking of being unwanted, I need a job! Things are not good right now! I can write. I can host podcasts. I can be chatty about sex and romance novels and pop culture things (not reality tv though). I can talk mildly pretty if you need me to read your book. Any leads, you can email me at howdy@nicholeperkins.com.
It’s Women’s History Month. All eight episodes of my new podcast The Godmother are out now. It’s about Eunice Hunton Carter, one of New York state’s first Black female prosecutors who was key in taking down Lucky Luciano, who’s considered the godfather of modern mafia. Thank you to everyone at iHeart and Novel Podcasts.
The e-version of my memoir Sometimes I Trip on How Happy We Could Be is on sale for $3.99 the entire month of March.
Here’s my bookshop. Buy yourself something pretty.
The Starter Ex - Mia Sosa (Audible exclusive)
This American Ex-Wife - Lyz Lenz
This Could Be Us - Kennedy Ryan
Be (Acoustic) - Hozier
Bewilderment - Pale Jay
ILY - Cherise
1111 - Niecy Blues
Summer Nights - Leon Lonnie Smith & The Cosmic Echoes
I’ve been thinking about a P*treon where I write erotica, but I’m not sure about it. Will it interfere with the other writing I want to do? Will it get boring? Will it be too revealing? Someone has been using the information I’ve shared over the years to try to gaslight me into a relationship. That’s a story for another day and an actual paycheck, but now I feel like I can’t be as open as I’ve been. I will continue to mull over it.
Thank you for being here.
P: paypal.me/NicholePerkins
V: https://venmo.com/u/nicholeTN
C: https://cash.app/$womanTN