Emergency Thirst Report

David Beckham, you sunnuvabitch

I actually have no strong feelings about David Beckham. I understand the appeal and his cultural significance, but if you were to ask me to give you my top 100 celebrity crushes, I wouldn’t even remember him to consider him. I’m sure he is devastated by this.

Mert & Marcus directed the latest BOSS ad, starring Beckham, and baby. I want to send them a big piece of chocolate pound cake, still warm from the oven.

As I started watching the ad, I was enjoying myself. “Oh, this is nice. Very sexy.” But in an almost clinical way. And then he unbuttoned his pants– his trousers– and the way he moved his hand back to expose the BOSS logo, right above his package, at the same time the little church bell hit in “In the Air Tonight,” playing in the background… My kewch became a fist I wanted to throw at his face. Oh.

The infamous drum breakdown arrived as he did some pull-ups so we’ve got BOSS DICK very softly in our face. It could’ve been a lot more aggressive, but they were like “no, baby. I’m gonna give you what you need but don’t rush it.” I said “okay. Thank you.”

And then he sat like a slutty good boy. I thought… well. I’m not going to tell you what I thought because it’s some stuff I would say to one of my subby pets, and you don’t need to know all that.

He got cheeky in the shower *wink wink* as people watch. Yadda yadda. You’ve seen the ad.

So what makes this ad so hot? Is it just the man and his sauce? Maybe. My personal thirst preferences probably don’t make me the target audience, but this video is undeniable. I don’t have the language or expertise to break down the cinematography but it’s moody, intimate, a good combination of timeless and futuristic. I’m sure the pitch had the word “classic” tossed around a few times. The basic elements of this commercial are not unique: a rich fit white man in an expensive car, in an expensive suit, in an expensive home, in expensive underwear, getting wet. Confidence. Self-awareness. A dash of humor. The “diverse” voyeurism is not new. Please see the diet Coke break and Levi’s laundromat commercials of old. (Fuck Brad Pitt). The song stirring us up isn’t even new. (I cannot find out who’s singing the cover, so if you know, please tell me).

Which is not to say thirst requires freshness. The ad mirrors the elements of desire: here are these things that have been around a real long time, but with the right person(s) in the right context at the right time, they are amazing.

Has David Beckham become my new favorite? No. But the ad made me wish Thirst Aid Kit was still in production. Sometimes I really miss it.

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I almost wrote a drabble, but I’m ovulating and have been listening to a lot of spicy audio this week so it was going to be nasty. That being said, I think I’m going to put the story as a scene in the next romance novel I’m working on. No, not the first one that’s not done. The *second* one that’s also not done.

Valentine’s Day is coming and I would like some roses and perfume and scented candles and Reese’s peanut butter cup hearts and some Starburst or Jolly Rancher jelly beans and and and and… I’d like to indulge my sweet girly gushy mushy side freely and without judgement.

I went to the library yesterday. My Nashville library card has been dust in the wind for a while now, but luckily I was still in the system so they gave me a new one. I borrowed 5 books + 4 via the Libby app. It was absolutely thrilling being back in a library, and I’d never been to this particular branch before. It might become the place I go to write.

Somewhat relatedly, I’ve assigned myself a reading challenge of 52 books this year. I’m using the StoryGraph app to keep track. If you’re on there, my username is tnwhiskeywoman. For the challenge, I want to read a book a week. I’m using my Habit tracker app to make sure I get in at least an hour a day. I’m really trying to step away from mindless social media scrolling and remember simpler joys in life.

Support your local library!